Cruel

it burns.
strong

so sad
how you don't have it.

-----
Today was an awful day.
Professionally and personally.
Early this morning, I was given the bad news that a patient of mine had relapsed.
I won't go into any excruciating details, other than it was one of his children who suffered the consequences.
Later in the day, I logged onto dA, only to find that someone was waiting in the wings, and desperately wanted to flip me off. Seems she felt I was possibly guilty of being too 'flirty' with her husband. Of course, this is an assumption on my part, because all I had to work with was her finger.
Either way, it just goes to show you we all have bad days.

I joined dA, in part, to escape the realm of a somewhat stressful life. Now I know that it only takes one person here to make it a very unwelcome and unpleasant experience for me- almost like being spit on.

Tonight, with a freshly cleaned face, I'm back.

I have often wondered , and do so again, just when and how a characteristic becomes a thing that molds itself.
When and how does a personality trait become a rooted thing, buried deep within the recess of one's mind.
Particularly, cruelty. Which, by the way, I've had dealings with in many forms.
Some people like to twist and self-analyze every single word out of every single mouth. When they read or hear something they do not like, they don't stop to question it - they attack by flying at you - blind in one eye, the other shut tight...Closed mouthed and burning up on the inside for reasons of their own making.
Can all or most of one's behavior be attributed to the way one has been [un]justly treated by others in life?
Is all behavior learned?
Or does it go far deeper than that?
Can one with a so-called "passion" for cruelty be so genetically 'marked' at birth?
What makes a person perpetually cruel?
How can one human being 'feel' guilt and another cannot?

Cannot?
Or Does Not?

Does a person who has never been 'taught' right from wrong behavior even realize the difference between the two?
Or do they just not care?
Was there ever once compassion, or was it never there at all?

This evening, I told my sixteen year old daughter that if she ever witnessed me doing or speaking a cruel, mean thing to another living soul, I wanted her to slap me as hard as she could. She looked at me oddly. Partly because I have never raised a hand to either one of my kids. But I believe I got the strange look due to the fact she had forgotten that mom could cry real tears like everyone else.

It was an awful day.
The consolation -
Tomorrow will be better.
When I wake up and remind myself:
'I have no need for cruelty in my life.'