Journal Entry: Tue Oct 27, 2015, 9:08 PM
Title: THE NOT SO NEWLYWED GAME
Wife makes a rare appearance inside the man-cave, and she has been yakking nonstop for almost two minutes now...
Wife> .... and the winning couple walks away with a big fat thousand dollar check payable to the charity of their choice. So I signed us up that same day....
Husband is totally engrossed in yet another episode of 'The History Channel's 'Alone' series.
Husband> Mmm...that's nice, hon.
Wife moves to stand almost directly in front of the huge flat-screen on the wall.
Wife> Did you hear anything I just said? We're Couple # 3.
Husband grunts as he cups his balls and gives them a slight adjustment for like the third time since she has entered the room.
Husband> Not televised, is it?
Wife> No, but-
Husband> I'm not getting another haircut this month, Sev.
Wife> And that's fine. It's next month. Saturday the 27th. At the Country Club. That's the day after Thanksgiving, Peak. So don't make any other plans. We can have dinner first, then on to the show.
Husband> (grunt) Ho-hum. Last time, the steak I ordered was a pygmy portion and it didn't come with any vegetables.
Wife> Stop complaining. You could have ordered an additional side if you wanted one that badly.
Husband> Fuck 'at. I wasn't about to prostitute myself for a handful of peas. $6.95 That's highway robbery.
Wife> It'll be fun. We got this, honey. I know how 'you' think. You know how 'I' think. That money is ours for the taking. Do you want Children's Hospital or the homeless shelter down on Ninth?
Husband points to the television. "Whoa..check out the size of that bear. Scoot your ass outta the way, babe..."
Wife> I'm not moving until you pick one.
Husband> It doesn't matter to me. Either one is fine.
Wife steps to the side a mere smidgeon. "Alright. We can decide later. Would you mind pausing that a moment so we can go over this?
Husband's eyes remain glued to the TV. "Go over what? I'll be there."
Wife waves a sheet of paper. "I've made a list of possible questions they might ask. We need to make certain our answers match up."
Husband> I can multi-task.
Wife> No, Peak. This requires your full attention.
Husband grunts. "For how long?"
Wife frowns. "That depends. Do you want to win..or lose?"
Husband> "We're good, babe. I'll give all the right answers, and I trust that you'll do the same."
Wife> Yeah, but just to be safe, this preliminary run will help us to be on the same page. It never hurts to be prepared.
Husband sighs and hits the 'Mute' button. "G'head. Lay it on me."
Wife> Ahem. First question: My wife's favorite color is blank.
Husband> Midnight blue.
Wife> Correct. My wife's birthday is blank.
Husband cocks his head and widens his eyes. "Really, Sev? You think that's gonna come up?"
Wife> It might. Just go on and fill in the blank.
Husband> May 10th, 1963
Wife> Jesus..no one needs to know the year, Peak! Just the month and date. Sheesh!
Husband grunts. "What the hell's the difference? They're not going to ask such a generic question."
Wife> They might.
Husband> May tenth. It's a fuckin' match. Next question.
Wife> Fine. My wife's favorite season is blank.
Husband stifles a yawn. "Autumn. They're not asking that, Sev."
Wife> They might. Better safe than sorry. You've been forgetting a bunch of things lately. Ahem. My wife is -
Husband> Yo, back that shit up. What are you talking about? I've got a mind like a big old metal filing cabinet.
Wife smiles. "Yeah, well, maybe some of those files need a bit of sorting every now and then. Ahem. My wife is deathly afraid of blank.
Husband> You're not afraid of sharks?
Wife> Concentrate, honey. Deathly afraid. Deathly. Think 'terrified'. You got this. Think!
Husband snaps his fingers. "Ah-ha! Deep water with no land in sight."
Wife> Correct! Husbands, where is the -
Husband> Did you make this list yourself?
Wife> No. I got most of it off the internet. Why?
Husband> I doubt they'll use anything from there, so what's the point of having a dress rehearsal?
Wife> They might. And we are rehearsing because I want to win.
Husband> I'm bored already.
Wife> Well, I was getting to the juicier stuff before you cut me off.
Wife> Ahem. Husbands, where is the strangest place you and your spouse have ever made out?
Husband perks up. "The laundry room?"
Wife> No. Think. You got this, Peak.
Husband> In the car?
Husband> On the desk at -
Wife> Noooo..Sheesh! The cemetery! Remember? My god!
Husband grins. "Oh..that was 'you'? For all the jerky head movements you were makin', I'd have thought I was humping a re-animated corpse..hehehe...
Wife> Are you going to get serious..or what?
Husband> Alright, alright..Keep 'em comin'.
Wife> Husbands, if your wife could choose one thing of yours to get rid of, what would she choose? Be specific.
Husband> My duck scarf?
Wife> Duh. You don't own a duck scarf anymore. Think.
Husband smiles. " My plaid scarf? The one I'll never wear?"
Wife> (dramatic sigh) Screw this. We don't stand a chance in hell if you're not going to concentrate. These are the easy questions, Peak..and already you've fucked up twice. Get with the program. I told you I want to win this.
Husband> (grunt) Just give me the answer. I'll remember it.
Wife> No. You have to guess.
Husband> I 'did' guess.
Wife presses her lips together, and hisses, "Your hideous Hawaiian shirt with the goofy-looking parrots."
Husband slaps forehead. "Oh, yeah. I forgot about that."
Wife> Crap...this is disconcerting. You know how much I despise that thing.
Husband taps the side of his head. "Got it filed, babe. Locked in tight as a drum. Trust me, if that question comes up again, I'll fuckin' nail it."
Wife> You better. Ahem. What was the first movie that you both watched together?
Husband> (with a big smile) "I got this. 'Crimson Tide'."
Husband snorts. "Damn straight. Need to know what color panties you were wearin' that night?"
He gives his temple another solid tap. "Got it filed right here. Right here, Sev."
Wife> Don't go getting all cocky on me. Everyone else will probably guess that right, too.
Husband tilts his head and his tongue drops out of the side of his mouth, and he begins to pant like a puppy dog. "Your panty hue...or the movie bit?"
Wife tightly purses her lips. "Try to keep your tongue in your mouth, if that's at all possible, or you're going to come across as a real fuck-tard in front of a live studio audience. Ahem. Husbands, what one thing does your wife have too much of?
Husband> Ha! Shoes! Hands down! RAH! And the crowd goes..WILD!!
Wife rolls her eyes. "Correct. You're doing great. Husbands, which one of your wife's friends would look best in a bikini?"
Husband's rowdy playfulness comes to a sudden and abrupt stop.
"Oh hell no..."
Wife smiles. "Just give an answer, Peak."
Husband> They won't ask that.
Wife> They might.
Husband grunts. "I'll have to plead the Fifth. Sorry."
Wife > Nuh-uh. You can't do that or we automatically lose the points.
Husband> Kiss those points goodbye, Sev. Wild horses couldn't drag that out of me.
Wife laughs. "Okay, fine. Next question. What is the strangest gift your spouse has ever given you?"
Husband strokes his chin. "Hmm...now that's a toughie.
Wife> Think. You should know this.
Husband> SpongeBob boxers?
Husband> A case of motor oil?
Husband> A fruit basket?
Husband laughs. "Got it. A plaid scarf I'll never wear."
Wife> Will you please stop bringing up that effin' scarf. Strange, honey. Think 'strange'. Something 'strange'. Strange.
Husband> Hmm.. I dunno, babe.
Wife> Yes you do! Think!
Husband> Hmmm. Um...
Wife> You know this, Peak. Think 'strange'. Really, really odd.
Husband> Er..a dildo?
Wife> Oh my god! I have never given you a freakin' dildo! Why in the world would you say something like that?
Husband shrugs. "You handed it to me. Same thing."
Wife> No, it's NOT the same thing. Jesus, Peak! You can't say that! This is a charity fundraiser event. Keep raunchy out of it. Think!
Husband> I 'am' thinkin', babe. I'm drawing a blank. How 'bout a hint?
Wife> What was the very last thing I bought for you , huh?
Husband> Oh. Toe nail clippers?
Wife> YES! Industrial man-sized nail clippers! Yes! If that isn't a weird ass gift then I don't know what is.
Husband> Well, excussse meee. I was thinking more in terms of a 'gift-wrapped' item. You just slapped that sucker into the palm of my hand and said: Do something about those Raptor claws.
Wife growls. "Nail clippers. Just file the fucker, Peak. Nail clippers. Jesus!
Husband taps his head again. "Oh, it's filed, Sev. Trust me, I'm giving that bitch a folder all its own."
Wife> If your wife could send you to a Body Repair Shop, what on you would she have fixed?
Husband> My feet?
Wife> What's wrong with your feet? You have nice feet.
Husband grabs his honker and gives it a tug. "My nose?"
Wife> There's nothing wrong with a crooked nose, honey. Think!
Husband wiggles his brows and thumps his chest.
"My gorilla penis?"
Wife flings the paper at him and growls, "Ugh! If you can't take this shit seriously, then just forget it."
Husband> Okay, okay...cool it, she-wolf. Grrr. My heart. That's what you would have said. My husband's ticker. There. Another perfect match."
He picks up the paper and hands it back to her. "Go on now. Next question."
Wife snatches the paper, makes a pouty face and resumes where she left off. "When we argue, my wife always puts her blank in my blank.
Husband> Her nose in my business.
Wife shakes head. "No."
Husband> Her cute nose in my mean face.
Husband> Her..er..big mouth in my cute ear?
Husband> Well what then?
Wife> You have to guess.
Husband smiles. "I've already made three attempts. Maybe we just don't argue enough for it to count. Ever think of that?"
Wife> Ok, fine. We can skip it and come back to it later.
Husband> I've got a better idea. Let me have a turn. See how well you do under pressure.
Wife grins at him. "Sure. Fire at will, you schmuck. I'm in the zone tonight."
Husband> My husband's favorite color is blank.
Wife> You don't have a favorite color.
Husband> That's correct. My husband is deathly afraid of blank.
Wife> You're not afraid of anything, Peak.
Husband> Correct. If your husband could send you to a Body Repair Shop, what on you would he have fixed?
Wife> Nothing that I'm aware of. Or maybe my-
Husband> Correct. No maybes. Ladies, what is the strangest gift your husband has ever given you?
Wife grins. "A pink feathery bra."
Husband> Nope. Nothing strange about getting girly lingerie from your hubby. Think.
Wife> A waffle maker?
Wife> That crossbow I'll never use?
Husband shakes his head. "Nope."
Wife> The Big Daddy Deluxe Xerox copier?
Husband> No cigar. Think. Here's a hint: You said to me that if it eats then it does the other thing, too.
Wife> Oh my gosh...the howler monkey!
Husband> Bingo! The howler monkey. I can't believe you didn't get that on the first try.
Wife> Well, it wasn't for keeps, that's why I didn't think of it.
Husband> Fair enough. Ladies, what will your husband say is his favorite food?
Wife> Steak. Nailed it!
Husband> Yes you did. Ladies, what will your husband say is the one thing you cook for him that he can't live without?
Wife> My apple dumplings.
Husband> Correct. What is your husband's favorite late night snack?
Wife> What's with all the food references?
Husband shrugs. "I don't know. I'm winging this. Go with the flow."
Wife> Nutty Buddy
Husband> Correct! Damn, Sev..you're good. What is your husband's most irritating habit?
Wife> Crap..I want to say grunting, but... Belching at the dinner table.
Husband> Really? I was going to say picking my boogers in public. Shit. Good thing we cleared that up.
Wife shakes head. "Please, honey, don't embarrass yourself in front of everyone. And no mention of my age, or dildos, or boogers. Can you at least do that for me?
Husband> What if they specifically ask for your age? What am I supposed to say?
Wife> I don't know, honey. Just say forty. We'll both say forty.
Husband snorts and chuckles. "You've been getting away with that for the last ten years, Sev. You can't keep playing that card, you'll wear it out.
Wife> Oh, really? Are you saying I can't pass for forty?
Husband immediately stops laughing. "I didn't say that, baby. Don't put words in my mouth."
Wife> Well, if you passed me on the street and had to venture a guess, at what age would you place me?
Husband> Oh hell no.. we're not going that route. I'm the one asking questions right now.
Wife> Oh. Just gimme a number, honey. Seriously, how old do I really look?
Husband laughs at the serious look on her face. "Would that be with clothes 'on', or 'off'?"
Wife narrows her eyes. "Let's go with 'on' for now.
Husband> You want me to include make-up? Or we going with a bare face?
Wife> Are you saying there's a big difference?
Husband> I don't believe I said that. Pick one.
Wife bites down on her bottom lip. "Bare face, I guess."
Husband grins. "Well, damn girl, that was mighty daring of you."
Wife> How old, Peak?
Husband sucks on his teeth and curls up one lip. "Do a little tail spin for me, so I can check you out from all angles...."
Wife> No. You're looking at my bare face right now. Just give me a number. And don't lie.
Husband laughs. "You should at least try to smile when making your demands. That may help knock off a year or two..
Wife smiles real big and furiously bats her long lashes at him.
"How old? Tell the truth."
Husband harrumphs. "I already said I was going to tell the truth. Hmm..try tucking your hair behind your ears. Yeah. Hmm. Taking all things into consideration, I guess I'd have to peg you at.. You ready for this?
Wife> You're lying. Your left eye twitched.
Wife> Well, that's not right. Expertly applied make-up would then have to knock off at least another five years..which means you're suggesting that with my face painted, I could pass for around..what? 36? Nah. You're tellin' lies. But thanks anyway.
Husband shrugs. "Yeah. Around there. Make-up on and assuming you're fully clothed. Yeah. 36-37. Around there. Sure.
Wife> Okay, then. Remove the clothing and keep the make-up off. Give me a number.
Husband> You mean right now?
Wife> Yeah. Right now. No make-up, no clothes. How old?
Husband grabs the TV remote. "Well shit, Sev, get your clothes off first. If there's a chance I can get a free lap dance out of the deal, I'm all in. Lemme find some music and you dim the lights a little.."
Wife shakes her head and makes a face. "Not literally, you doofus. Figuratively. Work from memory. Tap into that metal file cabinet you've been talking about."
Husband hits the TV Channel Guide button. "Where are the friggin' music channels? You want Easy Listening, Light Jazz, or Rock n Roll?"
Wife> I'm not giving you a lap dance. We gotta nail the rest of this before next month. How old?
Husband> Nuh-uh. You first. Your actions will play a significant part with my responses. Trust me, Sev, this is a no-brainer. Ah...here's one. Latin Dance. You like this? Will this work for you?
Wife> Will you please turn that off. Just give me a number, so I can do my own filing.
Husband> Aw, come on, Sev..Take your clothes off, and just slink around for like ten minutes. Ten minutes. That's all. Ten minutes. All I need is ten minutes."
He sits up on the couch and pats the tops of his thighs, flashing an impish grin. "That's right. Come to Poppa..."
Wife wets her lips and smirks. "You look like a wild animal in heat. Or a horny pirate up to no good."
Husband grins. "Correct. You're thinking about doing it, eh? You know you are."
Wife> If I do this, then you have to promise me that you won't say anything embarrassing on the 27th. In addition, tomorrow I will be expecting a gift from you. Any idea what it might be?
Husband> Oooh..Go on with your bad self. What do you want?
Wife grins. "Here's a hint for you: Think 'Aloha', 'sugary-white beaches with swaying coconut palms', 'tangerine colored panties', 'Polly want a cracker'. Anything coming to mind?
Husband> Fuck. You want the shirt, it's yours. Okay? You happy now?
Wife> Very. R & B Soul. That's the one I want. I don't remember the number. You're gonna have to scroll down I think.
Husband> I'll find it.
Wife begins to unbutton her blouse.
Wife> Ten minutes. And that's it, Peak. That's all you get. Ten minutes from start to finish. Then we get back to work on the questions, okay? Ten minutes, that's it.
Husband> Hot damn...Whatever makes you happy, babe.
And as she finally slips out of her panties...
Husband> Ahoy matey! Thar be the treasure we seek!
Drinking: Coffee, what else